Muslim Polygamy in America

This was originally posted at Ali Eteraz's blog last year. I came across it just recently.

Filed under: America, Irony, Liberal, Islam, Religion — A Man @ 2:24 pm
Let me start with an emphatic assertion. In America, Muslim polygamy exists.
Mormons are not the only ones practicing polygamy. And if you believe that Muslims, upon coming to America, become universally monogamous, you are sorely mistaken. I want to evaluate both the type of men who go after second, or third wives, and also the kind of women who acquiesce into permitting and entering such scenarios.
The Muslim Men: Most men consider themselves macho. Even if they aren’t, they pretend to be, because most believe that is how men are supposed to be. However, some men are able, not only to convince themselves that they are more macho than all the other men around them, but they are able to convince their wives that their machismo is deserving of another wife.
Now, some of you may be thinking: I want to be such a man. If you do, good for you. Frankly speaking, I have no interest in a multiple wivery. My argument is simple. The first woman that a real man marries should be one that’s more than a handful, ya’ni, she should be a real woman. If she’s not, she’s not a challenge, and a real man only wants challenges. Thus, it becomes impossible to take another real woman because any man, no matter how much of a man himself, cannot deal with two *real* women. But, anyway, regardless of why I don’t want a second wife, let me explain how it is that guys who do want second wives, convince everyone they are deserving.
Islam - That is their method. Its shameful to say, but like some men use pity, and some men use money, to get control over women other men use religion. The general argument, horrendously distorting the religious texts, goes something like this: If Allah really didn’t want men to have more than one wife, there would be an express prohibition against polygamy, but since there is no express prohibition, polygamy is permitted; and since all things that are permitted to Muslims are good things (such as chocolate and prayer) polygamy, by being permitted is also good, and since what is good is to be practiced, polygamy should be practiced. Got it?
I have to say that this argument has, if not a logical consistency, a legal consitency that passes muster in many legal systems. The current Supreme Court Justice Scalia often uses such a mode of interpretation. Such a similar mode of interpretation - one that looks only at the text and is known as the literalist - was used in various other forms by the Zahiris and most recently by members of Al-Qaeda. The point is that a literalist reading of the Quran allows one to infer anything one wants because the reading is entirely divorced from context.
Like I said, those men that want a second wife, use the aforestated argument. And if their first wife says that she stands firmly against it, they accuse her of getting in the way of something that Allah has permitted and by permitting made good. These men accuse her of denying them their God-given rights, and since God-given rights can only be denied by God, these first wives are acting like agents of the devil. I have to say, you have to have balls to make this argument - not because it requires having the courage to stand up to your wife, but it requires having the courage to distort God.
Muslim Men give themselves many reasons for wanting more than one wife. They get bored. They look around themselves to find a culture where men openly interact with more than one woman. They think its their God-given right. They believe that they are actually doing the women in the situation a favor. And so on. Whatever their motivation, the argument must always take the aforementioned religious style. No man who wants more than one wife tries to make any other type of argument. Even if he does not believe in the Quran, he will cite to the Quran to bolster his argument. In a situation like this, which requires all of the verbal and psychological manipulation a man can muster, most men figure out that instead of premising their argument on what they individually think, they should hide behind the words of God.
Now, granted that polygamy may have played a social utility in the world a long time ago, or granted that some tribes in Nepal, and Saudi Princes (equally primitive, in my opinion), practice polygamy, the fact remains that you are not living in those previous times and neither are you a Saudi Prince. I might pay heed to your argument if you were living in post-war Afghanistan, but you live in the United States - a welfare state. Which means that your pretentious invokation of “saving women” does not apply, nor is necessary for the survival of women.
The Women: The principle driving agent in looking for and finding a second wife are always men. I have yet to encounter a woman who, given the option of being the sole or shared wife, would choose to be the shared. Sure, she might agree to become convinced to be the shared, but it is a man who has to convince her, she doesn’t do it out of her own free will. So, when we analyze the women, I am not analyzing what kind of women want to be shared - that’s a dumb and unrealistic analysis. Rather, I have to analyze the following: what kind of prey, sorry, women, do men who want to marry second wives target?
There is a two step process that Muslim men must take to get a second wife. 1) To convince the current wife that they can get a second wife and 2) To convince a new woman that she should be the second wife. Like I said, most men use religion to accomplish step one. Step two is accomplished in other ways.
In an amazing book by Nikos Kazantzakis called Zorba the Greek, Zorba, the main character, explains to his friend, that he gets so much play compared to any other man alive, because his first and singular target are widows. These are women, he explains, that aren’t given much attention to in society, and thus, the perfect targets. In the case of American-Muslim second-wife-seeking-men, their target are widows and divorcees. The ideal time for a man to move to capture a second-wife is right after the death of her husband, or right after her divorce. In the world today, older Muslim women, on the whole, are not used to being without a husband. The moment they are without a man, they feel almost naked. Since they have long lived under the protective shelter of a (patriarchal) man, they, quite often, agree to any sort of shelter, even if it comes in the form of a man who already has a wife. Widows and divorcees are lured in by the man by his promises to take care of them. Little do they realize that the situation they are entering will turn out to be horrible.
But women come to be snared in other ways. After all, not all girls who become second or third wives are divorcees or widows. Some are converts. To me, the phenomenon of convert women acquiescing to polygamy is the most interesting one. In fact, some of the strongest proponents of polygamy I’ve met have been converts to Islam. I found this so fascinating that I tried to get to the root of this phenomenon. Here is the explanation that I have reached: Many converts come from Christianity, and an American cultural milieu, which defines Islam as part of the East, and as different. When these women actually convert to Islam, its because they are sick and tired of the West, and thus, LIKE to believe the fact that Islam is “Eastern.” These women want to be Eastern - their logic works like this: Since the West has always treated me like crap, the opposite of West must be utopia! Persuant to such logic, then, they embrace polygamy because it is the clearest expression of Eastern relationships. Such women only have to be found, they don’t need convincing.
Still, there are some girls who are neither widows, nor divorcees, nor converts. Yet they too end up becoming second or third wives. How? The answer: Pity and a need for self-worth. Some women grow up depressed, have always been mistreated, or are just plain lonely. The only time they feel good about themselves is when they are helping someone else. Now you know women like this. At college, these are those girls that come into where the boys are sitting, take everyone’s order for what they want from McDonalds and then go and buy food for everyone; and they don’t just do this once, they do it all the time.
Doing stuff for others makes them feel needed; and being needed gives them self-affirmation. When a man who wants a second wife come across such women, all the men have to say to them is “Dear Bla Bla, my life with my current wife has been quite miserable. We do not click at the intimacy level. I was forced to marry her to make my mother happy. I really wish I was given the opportunity to be an individual and to pick my own wife! I pick you! But alas, I cannot divorce her because she’s realiant on me. The only option is for you to be my second wife!” Women who have for too long served other people, want, out of pity, and their own need, to help this poor guy out. And quiet often, acquiesce into becoming his second wife. They don’t realize how horribly they have been manipulated. The sad truth is that they have, almost throughout their whole life, been manipulated like this.
On the whole there is no socio-cultural reason for polygamy to be allowed in America. If a woman is helpless and alone, she must become wedded to the State. The State will pay for her.
Finally: these days there is a little bit of discussion among the extreme left that polyamorous relationships (of both kinds) should be able to be sanctified by marriage. I oppose this. Unless and until male manipulation of women is done away with let’s not propagate such idiocy. As to where a woman takes on multiple husbands as well, I have a problem with that as well, because it means that the men are being manipulated. Let’s keep marriage between two people. My argument is not based on ‘what will happen to the children’ or to ’sexually transmitted diseases.’ Rather, I am against giving legal sanction to multiple marriages because of its political implications. More marriages mean more divorces, and more divorces mean more intrusion by the State. We already have plenty, thank you very much. I also believe that if multiple marriages are allowed, it will be men who will take advantage of it far more than women — due to their historical position and our society’s financial disparity. As a Muslim I have seen exactly what happens when men get to exercise the right. To the left: you do not want to go down that road.